Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Life (the roller coaster)

Do you ever feel super down?

Like in a black hole that has sucked you in?

Don't feel uncomfortable.
I'm ok. 
I'm well-aware of my family history of depression, etc and I monitor myself closely.
I think I'm pulling myself out of this funk, but I'm still mad that I wasted time being moody, negative, grouchy, and so full of self-pity.

I reached my limit with being apart from le Rey.
Coz I miss him so, so much.
And the fact that he still does not have a job.
And so I still don't have a visa to join him in England.
And he has a surgery coming up that I may or may not be there for.
And I live with my parents which I did not imagine for myself at this age (although I'm grateful).
And I'm supposed to plan a wedding in London and I hate that it's so expensive for guests.
And I don't know how to find a venue without seeing it in person. And when I don't know roughly how many people might be coming.

Then last week I got sick.
I don't know what the doctor calls it, but I call it similiar-to-the-beginning-of-pneumonia-in-Australia-June-2010-illness.
She gave me antibiotics.

By then I was super cranky.
And it was fall break, so I not working (staying busy) and silly me thought I would take it easy and relax.

I forget how the things that I've suppressed will come up when I don't keep myself busy.

Yes, I know this is not a great coping mechanism, but it's what I'm using for now.

And then when my sister told me I was seriously impossible to be around anymore (and I knew she was right).......I got really panicked.  Because don't we take out our bad stuff on the ones that are closest to us?
Which is so not nice.

And then I was like, come on-snap out of this!!  Life is not that bad! You don't want to spend your last couple months here being a horrible person to everyone!

But still I could not change my attitude!
Do you ever have days like this?

Finally.....finally.......things started looking up.
I started feeling more sensible and like myself again.

Then I had a day like today that really puts life into perspective.

Today I subbed for a third class whose teacher unexpectedly died.
She was 42.
She had a teenage daughter.
I didn't know her, but it's obvious she was very loved.
The teacher didn't show up for work and the principal went to her house yesterday and found her there.

So when I got there today, the students didn't know yet.

They said to me, "When is our teacher coming back?"
I wanted to slither away and avoid this inevitably sad situation.

But I ushered them into the classroom and chatted with them while they ate breakfast.
I looked at the teacher's desk and pictures and thought, this could be any teacher's desk, this could be my desk. Spelling copies for the week, assessments.........random stuff, you know how we leave it.

A little unfinished.
Because we always expect to come back the next day.

So the principal and a grief counselor brought the kids into a room, and told them.
Just like that.
They were so shocked.

They asked why, talked about people they knew that had died, drew pictures and wrote letters for her family.

Then I had to take them back to class.

Surprisingly, they did well. (Probably still in shock).
They're seriously a class of sweeties.
I kept them very busy and just helped them get on with it.
I'm a bit cold that way when there is grief.

Anyone that knows me knows that whenever death or grief is involved, I am no where to be found.
I don't know how to support people in that situation.
I don't want to bring it up if they don't want to talk about it.
I don't want to not bring it up and seem insensitive.
I don't want to be the 59th phone call that may overwhelm them.

So I sortof ignore it.

I know, not great.

Anyway, that was my day, I will be there tomorrow and then they have a long term sub that will start.

Life is precious, hey?

I better not waste it on what ifs, negative thoughts and a dreary outlook.


When soldiers come home (best feeling!)


Friends & Experiences


  1. Wow! Kelli, what an interesting post. Life is short, but it's hard to stay on top of everything all the time as well. I hope you are feeling better. I'm sure you handled it all just fine.

  2. I love your writing style.

    I think its healthy to let ourselves be in a funk. And then to pull up out of it. I've had a sense of life's fragility/finiteness lately, too. It's uncomfortable, of course. But there isn't anything we can do about death. We can only address the living part of life... and it seems you are very good at that.

    Transitions - the in between times - are hard, too. And I can definitely relate to the psychological discomfort that can catch you off guard when suddenly life isn't so busy. I've been working on being able to be comfortable even when I'm not busy. It has taken YEARS.

    Please keep writing!

    - Sarah

  3. Thanks Anna and Sarah!

    I am feeling a lot better now. Hopefully I will get to a place where I can be comfortable when I'm not busy, as you mentioned Sarah. I look forward to it!

    Thanks for your comments-never know if anyone is reading!